I had dinner with a friend recently. We try to do this once a month to keep up in each others lives. This friend is on a crazy spiritual journey of his own right now, and we tend to see eye to eye on a lot of things; so open, honest, communication with deeper meaning is pretty regular for us. I only mention that because I don’t want anyone to think that the reasoning for what I’m about to explain to you was because I was nervous or uncomfortable. So anyway, I told him that I started this blog, which prompted questions. Very basic questions, that I haven’t thought about in a really long time. I USED to be used to these kind of inquiries all the time. But I found myself getting caught off-guard. Almost like I had forgotten my script. And it took me a little while to figure it out, but it ended up making perfect sense. In a way, I HAVE forgotten my script. Or rather, am in the middle of writing a new one.
I have been out of AA for almost an entire year now, and those closest to me know my daily grind (as well as my history) so there is no need to discuss things on the reg, like most addicts do. Blake and I check in with each other regularly and have discussions about our feelings and boundaries all the time, but questions like “What is it like to be addicted to heroin?” and “How intense is the feeling to keep going?” left me stuttering a bit. It almost felt like I was trying to answer his questions correctly – as if that’s a real thing. This is probably a good time to interject that I have received a bit of backlash and criticism about this blog from a few of my biggest fans. Most of it slid off me like melted butter, but one comment in particular stuck with me: “You don’t have to write from a place of knowing all the answers, just be honest about where you are.”
And on the drive home from dinner, as I was reflecting on why I had a harder time communicating than I usually do, that was the thought that crept into my mind. And they (annoyingly) were right. I’m starting to watch what I say because I want to have all the RIGHT answers. I’m trying to speak from a place of overcoming something, when in reality its still something that I struggle with. So I’m not really being authentic.
I have zero intentions for this blog. I don’t know what it will turn into, if it turns into anything at all. But what I do not want to happen is that this gets away from me and I start talking with a voice that is not my own. I have literally failed my way to the middle, not even the top. Juuuuust barely making it here – which is HUGE for me, but hey. I’ve always been a glass half full kind of girl, but the glass is still only HALF full. I’m just getting started.
And I think it is super important to put this on paper and share it with you, even if it is just to help hold myself accountable. That this blog is not a How-To. I am not a teacher. I want to share my mistakes and experiences and interpretations of those mistakes and experiences, and how I’ve turned them into lessons and applied them to my life. I want to talk about the way that those things have shaped my perception of the world. I want to talk about how 90 percent of us walk around asleep and how we can better CONNECT to each other and the world around us. I want to DISCUSS a whooole lot of things. But I don’t want to tell anyone the right or wrong way to do anything. Lord knows, I could fall apart and be swept back up into my addiction in DAYS. Those are no longer my expectations for myself, and I refuse to act as such. I also refuse to take responsibility for the actions someone may take by taking my words and running with them, so reader beware. Take anything I say with a grain of salt. I could be totally full of shit.