Mean

May 14th

It's 8:50 am
I toss and turn
Fighting my consciousness
Not ready to face the day
When all chances of sleep are finally gone
I pry my eyes open and look around
My tiny little room
Dirt on the floor
Piles of plastic bottles and wrappers
Crowding my night stand
Immediately I am angry
At what, I don't know
But my ears get hot
And my chest gets tight
And I want to make everyone else
Feel just like I do
I want to yell at you
I want you to feel that whatever you're doing
Isn't good enough
I want you to pick me up
Love and kiss me
Tell me I'm beautiful
Just so I can spit it back in your face
You're not even awake yet

It's 9:05
I make some coffee
Look at the sun bounce light
Off of every green blade in our yard
I hold my dog
He kisses my nose
I breathe deeply and thoroughly convince myself
That the world is beautiful
And I'm going to have a good day
I watch you sleeping
Hate myself for ever wanting to hurt you
How selfish
How horrible
I want you to wake up so I can tell you I love you
I want to apologize for things I never said
Cruel words never spoken
Still leave piles of guilt in my head
At least I'm better at holding my tongue now
Because that would do no good
I look at you with such love and just
Kiss you awake instead

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.